My Package.

So this year for Christmas I decided to buy some gifts online! I was so excited to get my package of gifts for others! I had been waiting for over a week, always checking the mail box and telling dad to watch out for it for me while I was at school. Well, it came today. I was so excited! The most exciting part of buying online is getting the package! Its like early Christmas! I never get mail and finally today I get a package! I was so excited! My crazy and depressing day due to school was based on the happy thought of coming home to OPEN MY OWN package! So, I came home, picked up the package, went to grab a knife, and then realized it was already OPENED. It had a slight piece of tape holding the flaps shut. Dad had stepped into my privacy and opened my package. He ruined Christmas. Living with him has its hard times, but really. WHY THE MAIL? Why did he have to OPEN MY MAIL! one of the things I love so much! It has been driving me crazy all day.

p.s. I AM SO GLAD I WILL BE MOVED OUT WHEN I GET MY MISSION CALL SO I CAN OPEN IT MYSELF!!!

The Hot Pads

So after a really long day of listening to Dad talk and demand that I do things for him, I decided to rebel. To get through this really long day, I have been laughingly shrugging off all the feelings and annoyance that comes with listening to Dad all day, so I was in a giggling mood when this happened. Anyway, at the end of the day, I was just at the end of my nice and patient string when Dad finds a hot pad in the living room and tells me to go put it away. So after handing me the hot pad, I immediately threw it onto the ground. Dad looks at me with this really confused face and then simply smiles. I then picked up the hot pad off the floor and put it away in the kitchen in fear of finding it in my bed later. While putting away the hot pad in the drawer, my dad comes in and continues to talk to me. Now completely at the end of my string I remove the hot pad that I had just put away and threw it again on the ground. My dad simply continued to talk. So, I pulled another one out and threw it on the ground also.  He continued to talk. So it was until most of the drawer full of hot pads was empty and the kitchen floor was spotted with them. When I was finished my dad simply is looking at me with a confused expression, silly grin and chuckling slightly. Then he walked away think that this was simply a game that I was playing for my own entertainment. I don't think he understood that I was rebelling against him and that I was frustrated with him. Next time I will work on trying to make it more obvious.

p.s. I cleaned up all the hot pads off the floor. Again, because I was afraid to find them in my bed.

Talk-ity talk talk Talk...

My goodness he is always talking! I think it's because he is rarely around people, but when someone decides to listen or even gives the impression that they might listen, there is no stopping him. He will talk and talk and talk and argue. Even when what he is arguing about is completely unnecessary and something he has no control over or when his side of the argument is WRONG!  I feel sorry for our new neighbors. We all went over to help them move in and dad was just talking and talking. I could tell they were tired from their long day of moving and dad just had to talk to them about EVERYTHING.  I felt so sorry for them. After so many minutes of hearing him talk you kinda get talked out. This is what drives me nuts, that fact that he continues to talk even after it is obvious that I don't want to listen because I am NOT IN THE MOOD. I get so FRUSTRATED. Another thing that drives me nuts is the fact that he loves to REPEAT what he says. Our house is small and with his loud and annoying voice (that often wakes me up early in the mornings) he will tell my mom something that happened on the news (that we really couldn't care less about) and then when I get up, he starts to tell me. However, I already heard because I could hear him from the other side of the house!

ugh. sometimes he just drives me NUTS!

My Way of Releasing Emotions

I went through a lot when I was younger and very often I found myself crying myself to sleep at night. I am not mad or have hard feelings at the pain and hardships I went through but am grateful for them because they made me in to the person I am today and gave me the relationship with my Heavenly Father that I now rely on so much. I simply bring this up because by crying so much when I was younger and turning to my Heavenly Father for help. The Savior through the power of the Atonement was able to release those emotions that were getting stuck that might cause feelings of anger and hold grudges. But through the many tears I shed and with the help of my Savior I was able to let those feelings go and feel my Saviors Love and an Ultimate Freedom from the Powers and Emotions of the World. Now that I am older and still have emotional days, I still find myself crying myself to sleep and letting the Lord take my hard feelings away and replace them with ones of Love. I am Forever grateful for the relationship that I have with my Heavenly Father, and my Savior and that I could be living the life that I do!

A Sensitive FHE.

Somedays I am just so sensitive to the emotions that go on in my house. For the past couple of Family Home Evenings my Dad has been in the worst mood possible. He crawls out of his bed right before his favorite TV show comes on and then complains when he finds out that we haven't had FHE yet. We always make sure to wait for him even if it means that we have FHE at nine at night. Well tonight was just another stressful night of torcher as Dad complained about the whole thing and how we shouldn't even have family night. He then stormed out of the living room (to get his scriptures) and we didn't know why. All we knew was that he was mad that we made him turn off his show(that was being recorded). My mom, my brother, and I sat there for several minutes feeling like it was our fault that he was being this way, and letting his outrageous emotions hit home like an arrow hitting bullseye. After he returned we sang our opening song "How Firm a Foundation". 

3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. 

I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

4. When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of sorrow she not thee o'erflow,

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,

And sanctify to the they deepest distress.

5. When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

They flam shall not hurt thee; I only design

They dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

This simply church Hymn helped me to come back to what is truly important in life. The Savior. The Savior is what makes me strong and feared by Satan. As I come closer to my Savior, He helps me to become the person I want to be. However the world and Satan want otherwise. He wants us to think that it is our fault that bad things happen and people act the way they do. He wants us to think we are hope less and weak. As we go through our daily lives and don't take the time to find our "Foundation", I have found that we become more open to the critics and the not so healthy emotions of the world. It is how I feel after a day like today that makes me want to become better and closer to my Savior because we do not need to feel this way. It is through the Atonement provided my our Savior, Jesus Christ that we can live our lives in Happiness and Eternal Joy. I am eternally grateful for my Savior and the power he has to remove the emotions that get stuck in us and fill the gapes with feelings of pure love.

All or Nothing.

My father has recently been in the mood or All or Nothing. After my brother moved out for college my Dad took over his room and made it his study. Now that the school year is over my brother has returned for the summer. So, before he came home we asked my Dad to make some room for him in the bedroom. A couple of nights later the room was completely cleared out. Including the pictures on the walls were taken down. The books shelves were emptied and turned facing the wall so no one could use them. Later that day, I was sitting on the couch doing homework when my father came in and turned on the TV really loud. After about fifteen minutes of trying to read my textbook I asked my Dad to turn down the TV. He immediately got mad and told me I could leave the room if I wanted to my homework. So I decided just to deal with it. Ten minutes of pure commercials and loud TV later, when a show that I wanted to see was about to start, my dad goes to the TV and turns it off. I asked why he did that and he told me that I needed to do my homework. Then I asked, "then why did you not turn it off ten minutes before when the commercials were going?" He didn't reply.   Is there no compromise? lol

AHHH!!!

"But even on days when things are just right, 

he comes home from work(his room) and gives me a fright." 

Today was one of those day's. He got up from his bed and went to the TV. There was a note concerning one of his daughters reminding Mom to get something for her. He picked up the note after remarking negatively about the latest news story, saw the note, and then crumpled it up. Mom and I were so confused at what would make him act in such a way? We tried asking but he just "rumbled and grumbled at each little sound". We try so hard to understand, but on days like this we just turn to each other and laugh. Thats all we can do. It is on days like this that I re-read the "Living With a Bipolar Bear" poem. Here are a few lines that explain my Dad and how I feel perfectly:

"It isn't easy to live with a bear,

sometimes it seems it just isn't fair.

His sharp claws come out. He can't seem to smile.

Crawls back in his den, curls up in a pile.

My Dad needs a sign to make me beware,

like one at the zoo, "Don't Feed the Bear."

Perhaps then I'd know if this was they day

it would be best to just stay away."

... 

"Knowing the illness along with its name,

gives comfort to me, there's no one to blame.

As a side note: It is on days like this, that I pray to my loving and merciful Heavenly Father asking Him to not forget me when it comes to finding a good and emotionally stable husband. lol

The Dad I Love - Easter

It's tradition in my family to wake up early on easter morning and watch the sunrise and read the Easter story. So, the night before, my Mom and I invited my Dad to join us in the morning to watch the sunrise, read scriptures, and sing songs. We thought that he might not make it because he was on the schedule of staying up all night and sleeping all day. When we woke up in the morning, he was asleep, but when we went out side we found boiled colored eggs in plastic ziplock bags (because of the frost) scattered all over the backyard. It was fun to go around and collect the eggs. When we started to pick them up we noticed that Dad had written weird messages on them that made us laugh! Some of the eggs said: "Take me to your leader", "Chuck Norris egg, It will crack itself", "the Prodigal egg", "This is not a jig saw puzzle", "Don't press me in your journal, Yipes!". Other eggs had Easter scriptures, and some had fun pictures. It is these little surprises that lets me know that my Dad loves me and that he is thinking of me. This is the Dad I love. 

Visiting Grandparents

There must be something about visiting my grandparents that gets Dad all excited. For the whole week that we were there he was super bipolar. When he spoke, he spoke loud and with lots of emotion and energy. When he was even slightly confused or wanted in on what we were talking about he would say "what? .... WHO? ... wait What? ... I wanted to watch MY show!... ". At first it was funny, but after day two I was done. I can usually handle a week like this but I realize now that the only reason that I could usually handle a week like that is because I had brothers and sisters to laugh with about it. However, this time was harder. My fear of being alone because I am the youngest finally came to pass. I couldn't handle Dad for more than ten minutes at a time and Mom spent the week talking with my grandparents. The week wasn't completely boring, there were several exciting moments like when my grandpa ice skated! But, I mostly read my books. 

What I learned from this hard week is, laughter is essential for survival. It gets rid of negative feelings and emotions that could get stuck in your mind and body. Laughter forces the emotions out and invites peace, understanding, acceptance, and love. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for the power of laughter and for my family. 

I also achieved this week a greater desire to have an eternal companion who can be there with me always to laugh with and to help me get through hard times. An eternal companion who will see the side that I don't always see, and will know what to say to make me feel better. I can't wait to have a hand to hold for this life and for eternity.

The Pizza.

I love frozen pizza's, and today my mom and I discovered that the Totino's pizza's were giving free Redbox codes on the inside of the box! We decided this was a great deal and bought three so each of us could have one(they are pretty small pizzas). Anyway, we got home and decided to add some more cheese, peppers and pepporoni's to them. So, my dad went to the freezer and pulled out what he thought was pepporoni but turned out to be sliced sausage. All of a sudden he was yelling because he didn't like that sausage and now that it had "touched" the pizza he threatened not to eat it.  This drove my mom and I crazy. However, we took off the sausage (the fact that it was sausage didn't bother us at all) from dad's pizza and convinced him that things would be OKAY. When the pizzas were done, we all sat down for dinner. My mother and I ate happily because pizza is a rare treat. Though, on the other side of the table my dad decided to sit and talk a bit before eating. He ended up talking about a subject that caused great confusion because of miscommunication (he tends to do that alot). Before he had even taken a bite of his pizza he was so confused, angry and annoyed with us that he could no longer eat. My dad simply got up and went to his room. After he left, my mother and I started laughing. (laughing is the only way to survive through tantrums like this) We finished out pizzas and stared at his pizza contemplating how he might react if we ate it. After of few minutes of discussion we decieded that he would probably moan and say things the would give us a headache later. So we put plastic wrap over it and put it in the fridge where it was not eaten until the next day. If you are reading this, you might not think this is anything crazy or weird or even irratating. But it is. It is for me. It is hard to live with so many unstable emotions. You never know when he will start to freak out or through a tantrum. All I know is that "when the storm goes away, I'll see the rainbow".

Can I get a schedule?

After so many times, I think I should be used to it. My bipolar bear sleeps mostly all day and stays up most nights. I never know when he is going to be up or asleep. This bothers me because my mom and I will plan a whole night together, like a movie and treats. Then, all of a sudden, he will get up and start complaining about the movie we picked or want to talk to us non-stop. My problem is I get my hopes up when I see that he is asleep and I start thinking of what I am going to do and the fun I am going to have. Then he gets up and my plans become canceled. I really wish that I could get a sleeping schedule from him so I could plan things accordingly. However, even though it ruins my plans, I really enjoy seeing him up, running around, and talking.

Mango's! (sometimes I just don't understand)

I love Mangos!!! I first grew to love them when one of my older sisters brought one home for me to try. At that moment I fell in love with mangos! Once all of my older brothers and sister moved out, I started having my mom buy mangos for us to eat. I was usually the only one who ate them. I love Mangos!! Anyway, my dad bought two mangos today and brought them home! I was so excited! So, I asked my mother if I could eat one. She replied "yah, go for it." She left a few minutes later. After taking a shower(from after a hard workout), I went and got a mango, knife, and plate and sat down to watch Stargate SG-1 (this is one of my dad's favorite shows that I have grown to love also). Dad was watching the show and then turned and saw me eating a mango. After seeing me with the mango he quickly stated: "those were for mom to make mango salsa." (p.s. he does not like mango salsa)  I replied "there is another one, and mom said I could eat it." He then stated under his breath: "I am never going to buy mangos ever again." This drove me crazy, because I LOVE MANGOS! So I replied(in a calm voice): "but I love mangos." He simply replied under his breath: "I am never going to buy mangos again. This totally pushed my buttons. So I continued to eat the mango just to drive him crazy. I don't know why but when he says "I will never buy a mango ever again." I totally believe it, and it makes me sad that he would threaten to take something away that I love so much. I don't get why he says things to such extreems. It drives me crazy. I just hope he will continue to buy me mangos.

Sometimes what he does just doesn't make sense.

Living with a Bipolar Bear

My father is Bipolar. Recently I have been wanting to write a blog, but I didn't know what I wanted to write about. It was only until this morning that I realized I wanted to write about my life and what it is like to live with a father who is bipolar. My life hasn't been easy but through the help of my Savior and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have been able to handle it. My father is an amazing man! He teaches me so many things, protects me, and loves me! I love him!
A friend on my mom's wrote this poem about living with a bipolar father. She calls it "Living with a Bipolar Bear." This poem has given me hope during hard times in my life, which is why I named my blog after it. I will reference this poem throughout my blog.

Living with a Bipolar Bear - by Kendra Fowler

I'm never quite sure, coming home from dance,

who'll be in Dad's chair? I'm taking a chance.

"Which bear is in there?" I wonder each time.

I tiptoe closer, and look for a sign.

Do his eyes sparkle, without any care?

Or do they darken and fade to a stare?

At time he is cheerful, we tumble and play.

But sometimes he grumbles and sends me away.

He hibernated deep down inside his dark cave.

I shout, "Please, wake up! I will behave!"

What if my room's clean, with no toys to see?

Would he be happy and not growl at me?

But even on days when things are just right,

he comes home from work and gives me a fright.

Sometimes it's too much to have me around.

He yells and rumbles at each little sound.

Why is it one day the things that I do

are cut and funny, he laughs at a few?

Next day, the same things just make him upset.

I want to roar back, "Now, see what you get."

It isn't easy to live with a bear.

Sometimes it seems like it just isn't fair.

His sharp claws come out. He can't seem to smile.

Crawls back in his den, curls up in a pile.

My dad needs a sign to make me beware,

like one at the zoo, "Don't feed the bear."

Perhaps then I'd know if this was the day

it would be best to just stay away.

When I'm his princess, he takes me to dine.

Blows his straw at my nose, I giggle and Shine.

We talk and play ball. I think he's the best.

He listens and smiles. I forgive all the rest.

He dances with Mom when dinner is slow,

and sings really loud to the radio.

So, what makes him change? I can't really say.

It's not that he likes it or wants it that way.

It's not up to me to let in the light.

The things that I do don't make it all right.

Dad loves me a bunch and wants me to know,

when the storm goes away, I'll see the rainbow.

I wait for the sun to push through the cloud.

It's scary for him to join in the crowd.

We've learned what it is that makes him feel bad;

his moods jump around, from happy to sad.

He's will to fix the problem inside.

With doctors and help, he won't have to hide.

Knowing the illness along with its name,

gives comfort to me. There's no one to blame.

I love him and say that it's pretty rare,

to live with my very own Bipolar Bear.

I love this and am grateful for the woman who wrote this! I can connect to it in so many ways! I am grateful for my Savior, who has been there for me to turn to for my entire life! I love my Savior! and my Dad!